The Sting of Failure

  Anybody who knows me knows that I'm extremely critical of myself, sometimes to ridiculous lengths. I accept this quality, though, because if you don't strive to be perfect, then you're automatically settling for mediocrity. I don't settle. For anything.
  Last night's performance, at Final Scenes, I'm sorry to say, was a complete failure for me. I can't tell you how demoralizing it is to work on something for weeks and weeks and then have it not come to fruition. Worse, we DID have that scene nailed down, and then we lost it when it mattered most. There were a variety of factors at work, and none of them are important. To the casual observer, the scene was probably perfectly acceptable. Here's the problem. I don't like acceptable. I like GOOD. It wasn't good. It wasn't fun. It didn't sparkle. And these are all things that it needed to be. And the only people to blame for this failure to spring to the audience are the actors doing the work.
  This is not a good time to be beating myself up, since I have to kick it up a notch next week in London. I have to snap out of this funk, accept it as a loss, and move on quickly. It's just...painful to see what that could have been, and ultimately wasn't.

Shakespearean Debut

  Well, tonight, months of hard work will pay off in a public performance at DC Studio Theatre. At 8:00 this evening, "Final Scenes" kicks off to what looks to be a packed house. The first two scenes in the rotation are from "The Taming of the Shrew," which stars myself as Petruchio and Chelsey Christensen as Kate. The entire event will run about two-and-a-half hours and will feature scenes from "Romeo & Juliet," "Macbeth," "Hamlet," "A Midsummer Night's Dream," and "Twelfth Night."
  I'm tremendously excited about this, and feel very blessed to have worked with such a talented and amazing group of friends.
  Tomorrow, I'll have to change gears (slightly) and begin preparing for the LAMDA callback. It hasn't quite hit me yet that I'll be flying out next week. A LOT of work to do before then. I've been going at 200 miles an hour since January, and I'll be VERY much looking forward to some rest once I get back from foggy London town.
  But for tonight, time to break a leg!

London Call(back)ing

  Well, I finally got the official times and requirements for the LAMDA callback coming up in just a couple of short weeks. It's a doozy.
  The audition starts at 10:00 in the morning and goes until roughly 5:30. I've never been to an all-day audition before, nor have I had to prepare so many pieces. They're really going to put us through our paces!
  First, we'll be doing some movement and improv. I always sweat improv, because I feel like I'm not going to be quick enough to come up with anything decent. I was actually part of a small improv troupe once for about two weeks. Much to my delight, I never froze up in front of the audience. Still not my strongest suit, though.
  Next, I'll be performing two monologues, just like the New York audition. One Elizabethan, one modern. I'm flip-flopping them this time and doing a comedic Shakespeare scene and a dramatic contemporary scene (as yet undetermined). Since I'm working on Petruchio from "Taming of the Shrew" right now, I'm going to use that.
  Then, it's singing time. Again, I'll be borrowing from what I'm working on right now, which is "Put on a Happy Face" from Bye-Bye Birdie. I'm singing that at my retical this weekend (yikes), so it should be in good shape to sing unaccompanied for the LAMDA board.
  Next, I'm to perform one of three scenes that were included in the packet. They are all Elizabethan pieces, and I'll be performing one (unrehearsed, obviously) with a LAMDA graduate. That'll be interesting.
  But wait, there's more! Lastly, I'll be given a piece on the spot that I will have to sight-read. Not that I plan to be over-confident, but this is one of my stronger skills. I can generally pick up any script or sides and read them out loud with emotion and intent the first time through. I'm anxious to see what kind of text they'll have for this.
  So, yeah, it's a lot. Couple that with the two scenes I'm working on for school already, a soliloquy I have to perform for another class, and the recital, and that makes for one busy boy.

One month from today...

  June 13 is coming up quickly. I can't believe that in only one month, I'll be standing in front of the staff of LAMDA- the board. Sometime in the next week or two, I'll find out what they want me to bring to that audition, and I'll have to start furiously rehearsing, while at the same time rehearsing and preparing for my public performance down at Studio. And then there's my recital in two weeks. I am just a performing MONSTER right now.

Bollocks

  As any man can tell you, taking a shot to the pills is an extremely painful experience. It doesn’t even have to be a hard hit. Sometimes even a glancing blow will cause a man to fold up. A graze. A strong breeze. One time, I saw someone lurch over in pain when the word “balls” was spoken aloud indoors.
  With that in mind, consider that the scene I’m working on currently calls for Kate (the lovely Chelsey Christensen) to send her knee hurtling into Petruchio’s (the bloke typing this) men’s section. She doesn’t actually make contact, and things are choreographed so that her knee actually hits the hollow of my left thigh. However, mistakes can happen; mistakes that can have serious consequences for my future generations.
  Case in point: a few years ago- I don’t remember the exact date, (something around August 5, 1994, 2:36 pm) I was taking part in a SAG sponsored Stuntman’s Workshop in Santa Fe, NM. At the end of the day, we were all rehearsing fight scenes that we would perform and critique for each other. My partner and I came up with a very physical, brutal sequence that included a knee to the groin. Why I’m always on the receiving end of these things, I don’t know.
  Everything in rehearsal went perfectly, but when we took center stage… well, I think you can anticipate where this is going. If you guessed “Hey, I bet that guy’s knee ended up crushing your boys against your pubic bone” then you get a big gold star.
  With only the best intentions, he missed his mark and made full on contact. I finished the scene, but I was in a pretty sickening amount of pain for a few hours afterward.
  Thus, lesson learned.
  Yesterday, I armed myself with a nice athletic supporter, more commonly known as a “cup.” I had never worn one before, and that would have been plainly obvious to someone watching me try it on for the first time upside down.
Fully costumed and present in the rehearsal space, I noted with pride my new crotch-armor when my scene partner arrived. She promptly tested its fortitude by taking a full swing at it with a half full bottle of Mountain Dew. Instinctively, I flinched a little. Millions of years of evolution and primal instincts formed when cavemen stepped on the first rakes were working against me.
  When I found myself still standing there and not lying on the floor sobbing, I realized everything was okay.
  After rehearsal, I decided to further test my new powers of groinal invincibility. First, I had a homeless guy kick me in the stones. Then, I went into the batting cages and took a home run to the cajones. Next, I paid a Congressional aide to park his Land Rover on my love apples. Finally, I set my crotch on fire and then gave the twins a point-blank blast from a 12-gauge shotgun.
  This morning, when I woke up in the hospital, I came to the realization that maybe I had taken the testing a little too far. Henceforth, I shall only use my cup for the purposes of Shrew Taming and its associated dangers.

ONE HUNDRED.

  It’s my 100th blog posting! I’ve actually been holding out on posting this one, because I wanted to wait for something special. After all, 100 posts is a lot. I needed something to mark the significance, and had to wait for just the right thing.
That’s a huge lie, actually. I’ve just been too busy to post anything. Well, that’s not entirely true, either. I’ve probably had time here or there to write something up. So why’s it been a whole month since I’ve graced these pages? I offer the following list of excuses, and you’re free to pick whichever one tickles your naughty bits.

1. I was struck in the face with a wooden deck chair.
2. Rampant online pornography.
3. I was writing my manifesto about the conspiracy of “foods I love being pulled from store shelves by foreign government elements.”
4. I was busy melting things in the microwave.
5. I was in a pitch meeting with Fox executives for my new reality TV show “Things People Pass Through Their Colon.” They passed, and now, ironically, the show includes a section about itself.

  Honestly, there really hasn’t been anything exciting to report. I could ramble on about classes and how the work on “Taming of the Shrew” is going, but it would be repetitive of what I’ve already written. Work is work. I’m busy, and I’m tired all the time. The weather is hot and muggy. My callback in London is a month away. I have a recital in three weeks that I’m not quite ready for. I am in love with a show called “The InBetweeners” that airs on the BBC. Love my friends here, miss a lot of others. Life goes on.

How to be an Asshole

As one of the world’s foremost subject matter experts in this area, I propose the following list, which you may use to better help yourself become the anal cavity you’ve always wanted to be.

1. Take up three parking spaces in a crowded lot. Not four, but three. Your odd-angle and apparent disregard for the human race will infuriate other drivers.

2. Speak at the top of your voice all the time, no matter what setting.

3. Interrupt. Constantly.

4. Offer your opinion, but always in direct contradiction. Only offer it if it hasn’t been asked for. If it’s asked for, say the subject isn’t worthy of your opinion.

5. Never make eye contact with anyone.

6. Maintain a completely expressionless face, especially when someone is telling you something extremely personal or making a joke. Bonus points if your mouth hangs open slightly and your eyes take on a glazed, faraway look.

7. Refer to people’s children as “it.”

8. Instead of brushing your teeth in the morning, smoke a cigarette.

9. Use other people’s trash cans to throw away your gum, snotty tissues, or tobacco spit cups. Bonus points if you spit directly into the can.

10. Wear socks with sandals.

11. One word: Skullet.

12. As you’re browsing store shelves, park your cart lengthwise across the aisle.

13. Start up conversations with strangers while using a public restroom.

14. Slurp anything liquid, whether cold, hot, or room temperature.

15. Break wind for all to hear. If it's not audible, make sure to let everyone in the room know by using such classic phrases as "Fire in the hole!" or "Take that, Ozone layer!" or simply, "I just farted."

16. Live by the words "Do as I say, not as I do." Revel in your hypocrisy.

17. Be condescending. That means, "to talk down to."

18. Use the most loquacious vocabulary possible. Bonus points for making up words and then arguing their validity with someone more educated until they give up in frustrated rage or get a nosebleed.

19. Drive around with your windows down, music blaring at maximum volume. This is a common enough, though annoying, occurrence that you can ratchet up a few notches by selecting an alternative playlist. Polka, anything vaguely Hispanic in nature, or Bjork will seal the deal.

20. Draft cars on neighborhood streets.

21. Always make people repeat themselves. Twice if possible.

22. If somebody is playing music, alternately whistle or hum along, slightly out of tune. Sing only one word out of every line in the song, off beat.

23. After eating any meal, if someone asks if you enjoyed it, reply plainly, "It was okay." Bonus points if the meal was home cooked or made for a special occasion.