Tuesday, April 6, 2010

How to be an Asshole

As one of the world’s foremost subject matter experts in this area, I propose the following list, which you may use to better help yourself become the anal cavity you’ve always wanted to be.

1. Take up three parking spaces in a crowded lot. Not four, but three. Your odd-angle and apparent disregard for the human race will infuriate other drivers.

2. Speak at the top of your voice all the time, no matter what setting.

3. Interrupt. Constantly.

4. Offer your opinion, but always in direct contradiction. Only offer it if it hasn’t been asked for. If it’s asked for, say the subject isn’t worthy of your opinion.

5. Never make eye contact with anyone.

6. Maintain a completely expressionless face, especially when someone is telling you something extremely personal or making a joke. Bonus points if your mouth hangs open slightly and your eyes take on a glazed, faraway look.

7. Refer to people’s children as “it.”

8. Instead of brushing your teeth in the morning, smoke a cigarette.

9. Use other people’s trash cans to throw away your gum, snotty tissues, or tobacco spit cups. Bonus points if you spit directly into the can.

10. Wear socks with sandals.

11. One word: Skullet.

12. As you’re browsing store shelves, park your cart lengthwise across the aisle.

13. Start up conversations with strangers while using a public restroom.

14. Slurp anything liquid, whether cold, hot, or room temperature.

15. Break wind for all to hear. If it's not audible, make sure to let everyone in the room know by using such classic phrases as "Fire in the hole!" or "Take that, Ozone layer!" or simply, "I just farted."

16. Live by the words "Do as I say, not as I do." Revel in your hypocrisy.

17. Be condescending. That means, "to talk down to."

18. Use the most loquacious vocabulary possible. Bonus points for making up words and then arguing their validity with someone more educated until they give up in frustrated rage or get a nosebleed.

19. Drive around with your windows down, music blaring at maximum volume. This is a common enough, though annoying, occurrence that you can ratchet up a few notches by selecting an alternative playlist. Polka, anything vaguely Hispanic in nature, or Bjork will seal the deal.

20. Draft cars on neighborhood streets.

21. Always make people repeat themselves. Twice if possible.

22. If somebody is playing music, alternately whistle or hum along, slightly out of tune. Sing only one word out of every line in the song, off beat.

23. After eating any meal, if someone asks if you enjoyed it, reply plainly, "It was okay." Bonus points if the meal was home cooked or made for a special occasion.