London Call(back)ing

  Well, I finally got the official times and requirements for the LAMDA callback coming up in just a couple of short weeks. It's a doozy.
  The audition starts at 10:00 in the morning and goes until roughly 5:30. I've never been to an all-day audition before, nor have I had to prepare so many pieces. They're really going to put us through our paces!
  First, we'll be doing some movement and improv. I always sweat improv, because I feel like I'm not going to be quick enough to come up with anything decent. I was actually part of a small improv troupe once for about two weeks. Much to my delight, I never froze up in front of the audience. Still not my strongest suit, though.
  Next, I'll be performing two monologues, just like the New York audition. One Elizabethan, one modern. I'm flip-flopping them this time and doing a comedic Shakespeare scene and a dramatic contemporary scene (as yet undetermined). Since I'm working on Petruchio from "Taming of the Shrew" right now, I'm going to use that.
  Then, it's singing time. Again, I'll be borrowing from what I'm working on right now, which is "Put on a Happy Face" from Bye-Bye Birdie. I'm singing that at my retical this weekend (yikes), so it should be in good shape to sing unaccompanied for the LAMDA board.
  Next, I'm to perform one of three scenes that were included in the packet. They are all Elizabethan pieces, and I'll be performing one (unrehearsed, obviously) with a LAMDA graduate. That'll be interesting.
  But wait, there's more! Lastly, I'll be given a piece on the spot that I will have to sight-read. Not that I plan to be over-confident, but this is one of my stronger skills. I can generally pick up any script or sides and read them out loud with emotion and intent the first time through. I'm anxious to see what kind of text they'll have for this.
  So, yeah, it's a lot. Couple that with the two scenes I'm working on for school already, a soliloquy I have to perform for another class, and the recital, and that makes for one busy boy.

One month from today...

  June 13 is coming up quickly. I can't believe that in only one month, I'll be standing in front of the staff of LAMDA- the board. Sometime in the next week or two, I'll find out what they want me to bring to that audition, and I'll have to start furiously rehearsing, while at the same time rehearsing and preparing for my public performance down at Studio. And then there's my recital in two weeks. I am just a performing MONSTER right now.

Bollocks

  As any man can tell you, taking a shot to the pills is an extremely painful experience. It doesn’t even have to be a hard hit. Sometimes even a glancing blow will cause a man to fold up. A graze. A strong breeze. One time, I saw someone lurch over in pain when the word “balls” was spoken aloud indoors.
  With that in mind, consider that the scene I’m working on currently calls for Kate (the lovely Chelsey Christensen) to send her knee hurtling into Petruchio’s (the bloke typing this) men’s section. She doesn’t actually make contact, and things are choreographed so that her knee actually hits the hollow of my left thigh. However, mistakes can happen; mistakes that can have serious consequences for my future generations.
  Case in point: a few years ago- I don’t remember the exact date, (something around August 5, 1994, 2:36 pm) I was taking part in a SAG sponsored Stuntman’s Workshop in Santa Fe, NM. At the end of the day, we were all rehearsing fight scenes that we would perform and critique for each other. My partner and I came up with a very physical, brutal sequence that included a knee to the groin. Why I’m always on the receiving end of these things, I don’t know.
  Everything in rehearsal went perfectly, but when we took center stage… well, I think you can anticipate where this is going. If you guessed “Hey, I bet that guy’s knee ended up crushing your boys against your pubic bone” then you get a big gold star.
  With only the best intentions, he missed his mark and made full on contact. I finished the scene, but I was in a pretty sickening amount of pain for a few hours afterward.
  Thus, lesson learned.
  Yesterday, I armed myself with a nice athletic supporter, more commonly known as a “cup.” I had never worn one before, and that would have been plainly obvious to someone watching me try it on for the first time upside down.
Fully costumed and present in the rehearsal space, I noted with pride my new crotch-armor when my scene partner arrived. She promptly tested its fortitude by taking a full swing at it with a half full bottle of Mountain Dew. Instinctively, I flinched a little. Millions of years of evolution and primal instincts formed when cavemen stepped on the first rakes were working against me.
  When I found myself still standing there and not lying on the floor sobbing, I realized everything was okay.
  After rehearsal, I decided to further test my new powers of groinal invincibility. First, I had a homeless guy kick me in the stones. Then, I went into the batting cages and took a home run to the cajones. Next, I paid a Congressional aide to park his Land Rover on my love apples. Finally, I set my crotch on fire and then gave the twins a point-blank blast from a 12-gauge shotgun.
  This morning, when I woke up in the hospital, I came to the realization that maybe I had taken the testing a little too far. Henceforth, I shall only use my cup for the purposes of Shrew Taming and its associated dangers.

ONE HUNDRED.

  It’s my 100th blog posting! I’ve actually been holding out on posting this one, because I wanted to wait for something special. After all, 100 posts is a lot. I needed something to mark the significance, and had to wait for just the right thing.
That’s a huge lie, actually. I’ve just been too busy to post anything. Well, that’s not entirely true, either. I’ve probably had time here or there to write something up. So why’s it been a whole month since I’ve graced these pages? I offer the following list of excuses, and you’re free to pick whichever one tickles your naughty bits.

1. I was struck in the face with a wooden deck chair.
2. Rampant online pornography.
3. I was writing my manifesto about the conspiracy of “foods I love being pulled from store shelves by foreign government elements.”
4. I was busy melting things in the microwave.
5. I was in a pitch meeting with Fox executives for my new reality TV show “Things People Pass Through Their Colon.” They passed, and now, ironically, the show includes a section about itself.

  Honestly, there really hasn’t been anything exciting to report. I could ramble on about classes and how the work on “Taming of the Shrew” is going, but it would be repetitive of what I’ve already written. Work is work. I’m busy, and I’m tired all the time. The weather is hot and muggy. My callback in London is a month away. I have a recital in three weeks that I’m not quite ready for. I am in love with a show called “The InBetweeners” that airs on the BBC. Love my friends here, miss a lot of others. Life goes on.