Monday, July 26, 2010

Cornea Game Hen

  I have a fantastic new recipe to share with you. It's a little something I cooked up last night, and I've been enjoying it every minute since.


One of your eyes (preferably the one with the best vision)
Four tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 cups diced chicken


1. Heat the oil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat.
2. Go check your laundry while the oil heats.
3. Become distracted and forget about the hot stove.
4. Smell the oil cooking and return to the stove.
5. Scoop the diced chicken into the saucepan.
6. Hold still as the superheated oil pops from contact with chicken, and launches into your eye.
7. Note the searing, white-hot pain as your cornea is instantly cooked.
8. Attempt to open your eye to check your vision. Nerve reflex will keep it shut. While you're waiting for it to reopen, ponder the fact that you might have permanent eye damage.
9. Reflect on your stupidity. Repeat.
10. Let rest overnight.

  The next day, your eye might be a little sore, and your vision somewhat cloudy. This is normal. Enjoy!

Saturday, July 24, 2010


  Anyone who's spent any time in this part of the country in the summer knows the oppressive heat here is nothing to be trifled with. This summer is, according to our local news, going to be a record breaking one.
  Today's heat index is 110 degrees. The actual heat is 101, and you can't really discern a few degrees once it gets up into that range. The humidity here is consistently high, and it makes the air very heavy. When you step outside, you can literally feel the air around you. Showering is completely worthless, and there are actually warnings on TV for people to just stay indoors.
  I got up this morning long before dawn, and it was already 80 degrees. at 5:30, I drove down to the Arlington area to get some pictures of the Marine Corps War Memorial at sunup, and I was sweating pretty good just from walking around. As I was leaving, right around 6:30, a group of about 30 military folk were just showing up for morning PT. I watched them do a couple dozen push-ups, and then their instructor began to discuss the course their ten mile run would take. I started to sweat even more at the thought.
  Most of the rest of the day, I've mercifully been indoors, packing. This afternoon, at the hottest part of the day, I went to take some trash outside, and scared off the squirrel who lives in my front yard. I wondered what he was doing so close to my front door, and then later, when he came back, I realized.
  He was sprawled out on my concrete stoop, in the shade, trying to cool his belly. There was no escaping the heat anywhere, and that slightly cool concrete was the only relief he had. I felt so bad for him that I got a bunch of ice from the freezer and poured it on the front stoop. I don't know if he got to eat any of it or lay in it, because by the time I checked back, of course, it was all melted and dried up.
  I did manage to get a few pics of him, in various poses, trying to stay cool. I would have asked him inside, but, you know, rabies.

Friday, July 23, 2010


  A few hours after being stuffed into the old MRI machine again today*, I was able to get a report on the results. As I've said before, I'm fascinated by the inner workings of the body, and this was a rare opportunity to see inside my own mind. Here's the actual scan of my brain** and some very interesting findings on what's going on in there currently.

*Not true, for the purposes of comedy only.
**Not my actual brain.

(click to embiggen)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy Independence Day!

  Today is a very important day, and one that we all need to stop and recognize. I know that over the years, it's become a holiday more focused on cookouts, apple pie and beer drinking. You might even light off a firework or two. But people, we're missing something here. I think we've forgotten what this holiday is all about.
  We were attacked.

  We were attacked by an alien species bent on using up our natural resources and killing every human being on the planet. They came here in their city sized flying saucers and destroyed some of our most beloved landmarks with their ridiculously expensive special effects. They even blew up a miniature of the White House.

  Every year around this time, I start thinking about the brave heroes that saved us all: Will Smith and that guy from Jurassic Park. Their bravery in the face of certain death was remarkable. How they were able to link a laptop computer to the alien mainframe to upload a virus to it... well, it defies all logic. I'm glad there are people smart enough to think these things up. Otherwise, you and I wouldn't be here right now.

  Take a moment of silence today, too, for our beloved President. He lost his wife in that catastrophe. She died a long, slow death, wasting away in a hospital from helicoptercrashism. It's a miracle that her lovely face wasn't damaged in that fatal mishap. Otherwise it would've been kind of gross when he kissed her goodbye for the last time.

  And last, but certainly not least, let us not forget the sacrifice of drunken Randy Quaid. He selflessly crashed his airplane into the bowels of that alien ship, sending it hurtling into the ground, thereby creating millions of tons of scrap metal for sale to China. Without his suicidal attack on the aliens, you wouldn't enjoy the freedoms you have today. I also learned that true courage means making a really funny joke out loud to yourself just before you die.

  So, enjoy your hamburgers and hotdogs this weekend, and have fun running around with those colorful sparklers. Put a funny hat on the dog. Add a scoop of vanilla ice cream to your apple pie. Just remember what this day is really about. Without brave attack pilots like Harry Connick, Jr., and that one guy who didn't pull up in time, our precious world would be at the bottom of an alien toilet bowl today.