Today is a very important day, and one that we all need to stop and recognize. I know that over the years, it's become a holiday more focused on cookouts, apple pie and beer drinking. You might even light off a firework or two. But people, we're missing something here. I think we've forgotten what this holiday is all about.
We were attacked.
We were attacked by an alien species bent on using up our natural resources and killing every human being on the planet. They came here in their city sized flying saucers and destroyed some of our most beloved landmarks with their ridiculously expensive special effects. They even blew up a miniature of the White House.
Every year around this time, I start thinking about the brave heroes that saved us all: Will Smith and that guy from Jurassic Park. Their bravery in the face of certain death was remarkable. How they were able to link a laptop computer to the alien mainframe to upload a virus to it... well, it defies all logic. I'm glad there are people smart enough to think these things up. Otherwise, you and I wouldn't be here right now.
Take a moment of silence today, too, for our beloved President. He lost his wife in that catastrophe. She died a long, slow death, wasting away in a hospital from helicoptercrashism. It's a miracle that her lovely face wasn't damaged in that fatal mishap. Otherwise it would've been kind of gross when he kissed her goodbye for the last time.
And last, but certainly not least, let us not forget the sacrifice of drunken Randy Quaid. He selflessly crashed his airplane into the bowels of that alien ship, sending it hurtling into the ground, thereby creating millions of tons of scrap metal for sale to China. Without his suicidal attack on the aliens, you wouldn't enjoy the freedoms you have today. I also learned that true courage means making a really funny joke out loud to yourself just before you die.
So, enjoy your hamburgers and hotdogs this weekend, and have fun running around with those colorful sparklers. Put a funny hat on the dog. Add a scoop of vanilla ice cream to your apple pie. Just remember what this day is really about. Without brave attack pilots like Harry Connick, Jr., and that one guy who didn't pull up in time, our precious world would be at the bottom of an alien toilet bowl today.
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