Bollocks

  As any man can tell you, taking a shot to the pills is an extremely painful experience. It doesn’t even have to be a hard hit. Sometimes even a glancing blow will cause a man to fold up. A graze. A strong breeze. One time, I saw someone lurch over in pain when the word “balls” was spoken aloud indoors.
  With that in mind, consider that the scene I’m working on currently calls for Kate (the lovely Chelsey Christensen) to send her knee hurtling into Petruchio’s (the bloke typing this) men’s section. She doesn’t actually make contact, and things are choreographed so that her knee actually hits the hollow of my left thigh. However, mistakes can happen; mistakes that can have serious consequences for my future generations.
  Case in point: a few years ago- I don’t remember the exact date, (something around August 5, 1994, 2:36 pm) I was taking part in a SAG sponsored Stuntman’s Workshop in Santa Fe, NM. At the end of the day, we were all rehearsing fight scenes that we would perform and critique for each other. My partner and I came up with a very physical, brutal sequence that included a knee to the groin. Why I’m always on the receiving end of these things, I don’t know.
  Everything in rehearsal went perfectly, but when we took center stage… well, I think you can anticipate where this is going. If you guessed “Hey, I bet that guy’s knee ended up crushing your boys against your pubic bone” then you get a big gold star.
  With only the best intentions, he missed his mark and made full on contact. I finished the scene, but I was in a pretty sickening amount of pain for a few hours afterward.
  Thus, lesson learned.
  Yesterday, I armed myself with a nice athletic supporter, more commonly known as a “cup.” I had never worn one before, and that would have been plainly obvious to someone watching me try it on for the first time upside down.
Fully costumed and present in the rehearsal space, I noted with pride my new crotch-armor when my scene partner arrived. She promptly tested its fortitude by taking a full swing at it with a half full bottle of Mountain Dew. Instinctively, I flinched a little. Millions of years of evolution and primal instincts formed when cavemen stepped on the first rakes were working against me.
  When I found myself still standing there and not lying on the floor sobbing, I realized everything was okay.
  After rehearsal, I decided to further test my new powers of groinal invincibility. First, I had a homeless guy kick me in the stones. Then, I went into the batting cages and took a home run to the cajones. Next, I paid a Congressional aide to park his Land Rover on my love apples. Finally, I set my crotch on fire and then gave the twins a point-blank blast from a 12-gauge shotgun.
  This morning, when I woke up in the hospital, I came to the realization that maybe I had taken the testing a little too far. Henceforth, I shall only use my cup for the purposes of Shrew Taming and its associated dangers.