Cornea Game Hen

  I have a fantastic new recipe to share with you. It's a little something I cooked up last night, and I've been enjoying it every minute since.

INGREDIENTS:

One of your eyes (preferably the one with the best vision)
Four tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 cups diced chicken

PREPARATION:

1. Heat the oil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat.
2. Go check your laundry while the oil heats.
3. Become distracted and forget about the hot stove.
4. Smell the oil cooking and return to the stove.
5. Scoop the diced chicken into the saucepan.
6. Hold still as the superheated oil pops from contact with chicken, and launches into your eye.
7. Note the searing, white-hot pain as your cornea is instantly cooked.
8. Attempt to open your eye to check your vision. Nerve reflex will keep it shut. While you're waiting for it to reopen, ponder the fact that you might have permanent eye damage.
9. Reflect on your stupidity. Repeat.
10. Let rest overnight.

  The next day, your eye might be a little sore, and your vision somewhat cloudy. This is normal. Enjoy!

Heatwave

  Anyone who's spent any time in this part of the country in the summer knows the oppressive heat here is nothing to be trifled with. This summer is, according to our local news, going to be a record breaking one.
  Today's heat index is 110 degrees. The actual heat is 101, and you can't really discern a few degrees once it gets up into that range. The humidity here is consistently high, and it makes the air very heavy. When you step outside, you can literally feel the air around you. Showering is completely worthless, and there are actually warnings on TV for people to just stay indoors.
  I got up this morning long before dawn, and it was already 80 degrees. at 5:30, I drove down to the Arlington area to get some pictures of the Marine Corps War Memorial at sunup, and I was sweating pretty good just from walking around. As I was leaving, right around 6:30, a group of about 30 military folk were just showing up for morning PT. I watched them do a couple dozen push-ups, and then their instructor began to discuss the course their ten mile run would take. I started to sweat even more at the thought.
  Most of the rest of the day, I've mercifully been indoors, packing. This afternoon, at the hottest part of the day, I went to take some trash outside, and scared off the squirrel who lives in my front yard. I wondered what he was doing so close to my front door, and then later, when he came back, I realized.
  He was sprawled out on my concrete stoop, in the shade, trying to cool his belly. There was no escaping the heat anywhere, and that slightly cool concrete was the only relief he had. I felt so bad for him that I got a bunch of ice from the freezer and poured it on the front stoop. I don't know if he got to eat any of it or lay in it, because by the time I checked back, of course, it was all melted and dried up.
  I did manage to get a few pics of him, in various poses, trying to stay cool. I would have asked him inside, but, you know, rabies.

Brainscan

  A few hours after being stuffed into the old MRI machine again today*, I was able to get a report on the results. As I've said before, I'm fascinated by the inner workings of the body, and this was a rare opportunity to see inside my own mind. Here's the actual scan of my brain** and some very interesting findings on what's going on in there currently.

*Not true, for the purposes of comedy only.
**Not my actual brain.

(click to embiggen)

Since Friday, 16 July

Happy Independence Day!

  Today is a very important day, and one that we all need to stop and recognize. I know that over the years, it's become a holiday more focused on cookouts, apple pie and beer drinking. You might even light off a firework or two. But people, we're missing something here. I think we've forgotten what this holiday is all about.
  We were attacked.



  We were attacked by an alien species bent on using up our natural resources and killing every human being on the planet. They came here in their city sized flying saucers and destroyed some of our most beloved landmarks with their ridiculously expensive special effects. They even blew up a miniature of the White House.



  Every year around this time, I start thinking about the brave heroes that saved us all: Will Smith and that guy from Jurassic Park. Their bravery in the face of certain death was remarkable. How they were able to link a laptop computer to the alien mainframe to upload a virus to it... well, it defies all logic. I'm glad there are people smart enough to think these things up. Otherwise, you and I wouldn't be here right now.



  Take a moment of silence today, too, for our beloved President. He lost his wife in that catastrophe. She died a long, slow death, wasting away in a hospital from helicoptercrashism. It's a miracle that her lovely face wasn't damaged in that fatal mishap. Otherwise it would've been kind of gross when he kissed her goodbye for the last time.



  And last, but certainly not least, let us not forget the sacrifice of drunken Randy Quaid. He selflessly crashed his airplane into the bowels of that alien ship, sending it hurtling into the ground, thereby creating millions of tons of scrap metal for sale to China. Without his suicidal attack on the aliens, you wouldn't enjoy the freedoms you have today. I also learned that true courage means making a really funny joke out loud to yourself just before you die.

  So, enjoy your hamburgers and hotdogs this weekend, and have fun running around with those colorful sparklers. Put a funny hat on the dog. Add a scoop of vanilla ice cream to your apple pie. Just remember what this day is really about. Without brave attack pilots like Harry Connick, Jr., and that one guy who didn't pull up in time, our precious world would be at the bottom of an alien toilet bowl today.

Your Wonderful Body

  I'm in love with us. All of us. Do you understand how incredible the human body is? Oh, you do. Well, no point in reading the rest of this crap, then. Buckle off to lolcats or funnyordie or wherever it is that you kids surf to these days.
  But really, what a wonderful machine! How can something so complex even work? If we were made by Sony or Apple or somebody, we'd freeze up or just quit working within a couple of years. Think of every single fascinating part of your body and how it works in conjunction with itself; how it's fueled, how it processes things, how it reacts. It's astonishing.
  Let's take a tour, shall we?

The fragile scarlet tree within us all.

  1. THE CIRCULATORY SYSTEM

  My favorite of all the systems. Don't ask me why. Seriously, don't ask me. It pisses me off when you do that. Really, I just find the network of veins, arteries and capillaries fascinating. Red blood cells, white. How blood is transported, regulated, and even fueled by that "other" system, respiratory. It's the oil for the gears, food for the organs. Lifejuice. We can die very quickly if someone pokes a hole in us and it leaks out. It's deceptively simple.
  In a different life, I would have been a cardiovascular surgeon. Sure, everybody thinks the brain is where the real action is, but it's not. It's the heart. The stupid brain just gets people in trouble. The heart is where compassion lies. It's where love radiates, or screams with pain, depending. It's the only part of you that can actually ache with emotion.
  Watch footage of blood flowing through the heart. Watch the valves work. Listen. Incredible.

I'm missing an arm and my guts are hanging out. Time for a tasty apple!

  2. THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM

  Pretty awesome. It's all about breaking things down. You chew food up, dissolve it with your saliva, then send it on down to your stomach where you literally leak acid onto it. Then you turn it into poo when you're done with it. All this happens with no conscious thought. Well, except for the chewing part. And the speaking of the words "Nom nom nom," as you eat chocolate chip cookies.

Meh.

  3. THE ENDOCRINE SYSTEM

  Boooooooring.

If only it were this easy.

  4. THE IMMUNE SYSTEM

  The kickass cell soldiers of your body. They're like Special Operations Forces. Some wiseass infection tries to get up in your business, these guys go in and take care of it. It's fun to think that there are battles going on inside your body. I picture them overrunning the enemy, taking ground. I picture little airstrikes on insurgent infection camps. Sniper cells drilling some virus from 200 yards out. Well, maybe not that far. 200 yards relative to the microscopic level of activity. It's still a good shot, and one he'll be bragging about to his buddies later at the cell bar.

For God's sake, take care of your skin.

  5. THE INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM

  Your skin, bro. It's a living, breathing organ that covers your entire body. It reproduces and excretes waste. Kinda gross, if you really think about it. It's so fragile, and yet, so durable. It comes in a wide variety of colors and, in the case of Edward James Olmos, textures. You can tear it, cut it, and sew it like cloth. It knits itself back together eventually. How cool is that? It's like having mutant superpowers. Rather slow mutant superpowers, but still. Imagine how much it would suck if the skin never healed. You'd just have to glue or patch the holes in yourself and live with them that way. Uncool.

Don't try this at home. It's awesome, but cancer and such.

Look how casual I am with no skin.

Must find Sarah Connor.

  6. THE MUSCULAR SYSTEM

  The glamour! This is Ryan Reynolds' bread and butter. Him and his measley six-pack. That guy in the first picture has a ten pack, Ryan. Ten. I'm impressed by the muscular system- the way the muscles attach to the bones, and the way they flex and extend. I love the way they counter each other for balance and distribution and support. I'm glossing over a slew of things here, just like the rest of this article. I won't even get into skeletal, smooth and cardiac, the processing of creatine and glycogen, muscle teardown and rebuilding. Well, no more than I just did.

What do you mean, nervous?

  7. THE NERVOUS SYSTEM

  I don't like the nervous system as a whole. Sure, it's definitely neccessary. We need nerves for touch, pressure, movement, thinking, reaction. Hmm, come to think of it, I guess the nervous system is pretty sweet. The other good thing about the nervous system, and the spinal cord in particular, is that the more you know about it, the more effective you can be at killing someone. I know this is a big plus for a lot of you, and I highly recommend you read up on "spinal shock." The one thing I don't personally enjoy, though, is pain. Take burns, for instance. They just don't stop hurting except when you actually burn yourself bad enough to destroy the nerves. Then, it's all good. Unless you get infected, of course, in which case, see number four. It has always impressed me how your body will send the signal to your brain to move your hand out of the fire before it sends the "Oh, Dear GOD that's hot" signal. Preservation. Thanks, nervous system. Now, do something about my twitchy eye.

Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

  8. THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM

  Sadly, we've been taught that the reproductive organs, and the sexual act itself is something to be ashamed of. Quite the contrary. It's beautiful and amazing, and is probably the best thing about being a human being. Two people can come together and create life. I'm sure that some of the significance of that is lost on me since I've never had a kid, but I know people who have. I know a girl right now (Hi Cate!) that's getting ready to pop out tiny person number two. Watching that process of development is truly unique and amazing. A human being lives inside you for nine months and then comes out, grows up, develops characteristics, traits, habits, personality, and then has their own kids. Beauty.

From the Autopsy of Mr. Ed

  9. THE RESPIRATORY SYSTEM

  Yeah, I went cross-species on you here. Bet you weren't expecting that, were you? Come on, how often do you get to look at horse lungs? You're welcome.
  Breathing. It's pretty important. That could be a slogan for the National Council on Breathing, if there was such a thing. Don't believe me? Go sixty feet underwater and have somebody turn your air off. You'll realize in short order how delicious oxygen is. Or climb to the top of a very, very tall mountain. I've experienced both these extremes, and so to say I'm a fan of the respiratory system is an understatement. Ever since I learned about it as a kid, I've always thought it was scary how we have to have such a specific type of atmosphere in order to survive. It's a type of gas that we don't readily find elsewhere in our universe. That makes breathing pretty precious. Go ahead. Enjoy a nice, deep breath right now.

The sassiest skeleton you will ever see.

  10. THE SKELETAL SYSTEM

  You have a boner. Exactly 206 of them, in fact. Without them, you would be a pile of veiny gelatin, much like Rosie O'Donnell. We all know what our bones are good for, and so there's really no reason for me to try to go in depth about them. They're strong, incredible, and the interior of them is the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life. I think the most amazing bones are found in the spine. They have the most intersting shape, connection, and I dare say, the most important function. You might argue that the skull has the most important function, in that it protects the brain, but ponder this: would you look sillier with no head, or no spine?

The Chinese, setting new standards in public urination.

  11. THE URINARY SYSTEM

  It's what you use to go pee. It's also what you use to be annoyed when you have to take breaks every ten minutes because you're drinking too much coffee. It wakes you up in the middle of the night, and sometimes too early in the morning. Sometimes your friend John likes to jokingly punch you in the kidney and shout "Piss blood!" in your ear. This involves not only the excretory systems of the body, but also the circulatory system, and the "I'm going to kick your ass for that" portion of the brain/central nervous system.


  IN CONCLUSION

  This article, if you can call it that, didn't really explain much. It's not meant to be scientific. It's not even meant to be accurate. There's no moral lesson here. Appreciate your body. Take care of it. Marvel at it. Don't marvel at other people's bodies, though, because that can get you taken off the Metro and ticketed for lewd conduct. Eighty dollars. Ridiculous.

Let's have words

  Shit. Fuck. Son of a bitch. Are you offended yet? Why so? They’re just words, after all.

  Words carry an incredible amount of power. Much more so than I think the average person realizes. By average, I mean the type of person who can walk around a supermarket, happily chatting away on their cell phone, throwing the word “fuck” around as if it were the color of their shirt. It’s not that people mean to be offensive. I really believe they just don’t get it.

  A person’s words can tell you a lot about them in just the first few seconds of meeting them. Choices in language can immediately speak volumes about a person’s culture, education, and yes, even their opinions about themselves and you. Now I’m starting to sound like a sociology textbook.

CURSE WORDS

  “Curse” is a pretty strong way to describe it. Do these words really curse anybody? Maybe calling them “terse words” would be more appropriate. I suppose, if you’re some kind of religious fundamentalist, you might believe you could get sent to Hell for saying such things. You certainly could for taking the Lord’s name in vain. But what does it all mean? What’s the stigma with these words? Why is the word “shit” any worse than “poop” or even the clinical “feces?” It refers to the same thing- something unpleasant; something to be discarded.
  There’s even a term for uncontrolled swearing: “Coprolalia.” It originates with the Greek “copro” (dung) + “lalia” (chatter, babbling). It’s literally “shit talk.”
  Maybe it’s the intent behind the words. Certainly calling somebody an “asshole” conveys so much more than calling them an “anus.” Yet, again, why? It refers to the same anatomical part. Why do some words have such strong qualities while others do not? Why are some words “bad” words that should never be used in “polite” company?

DEROGATORY WORDS

  Likewise, what’s the deal with words we use to degrade people? Ethnic slurs such as “nigger” or “gook,” or terms we might use against people of a different sexuality. “Faggot.” “Dyke.” These are terrible words, to be sure, but I often wonder how these kinds of words are invented, and how they can cement themselves into culture as being so incredibly offensive. It’s no secret to anyone how the dreaded “N-word” got its start, but is it possible to invent new ethnic slurs? How do these things catch on and flare? If I started referring to Chinese as “pons” would it offend somebody? It might. The intent could still come across. Using a term other than the “official” one to describe a race can cause quite a stir. By that same school of thought, could you use an already established word to insult a person’s race? I don’t think you could. The reason a lot of these terms are so derogatory is that they were invented with the sole purpose of being insulting. We, as a society, are offended by these words because we MAKE them offensive.
  When I was just a kid, about five years old, I once used the word “nigger” to describe the color black on a person’s sweater. This happened at school, and it upset and offended a lot of people. My parents got a talking to from the teacher, and they were understandably disturbed that I would say such a thing. I certainly didn’t hear that term at home, and from what I can remember, a kid at school had pushed me to say it. The point is, I didn’t know that was offensive. To me, it was just a word- a combination of letters that, when put together, represented “black.” The true nature of the word was a learned thing, and I find that fascinating about language.

SCARY WORDS

  Words on a page can keep you up at night, too, as I’ve discovered many times from reading Stephen King novels. I’ve always been astounded as to how this is possible. How can somebody think something up, out of the blue, write it on a piece of paper, and then terrify me so much with it that I can’t sleep? It’s ink, on a page. It’s not even something that really happened, and it definitely didn’t happen to me. It’s pure fiction, and yet, with the right combination of words, you can use a person’s imagination against them very effectively.
  Some words can even stand alone with impact. Take the word “terror.” Just reading it isolated on the page, the meaning is clear. An emotion is conveyed. Even more so with the word “rape.” One single word; and yet, reading it, your mind is conjuring up everything that comes with those four letters: Horror. Violation. Shame. Abuse. Hatred. That’s a powerful word, and it stirs things in a deep, dark corner of the soul.

LOVE WORDS

  Now, there’s a flip side to all of this. Not everything is about hate or vulgarity or fear. There are some considerably beautiful words. I’ll take for example another word of singular power: “love.” There’s almost a smile to it. You see that word written by itself somewhere, and it warms you. The very word glows. It feels light, and delicate, yet substantial. Sure, people can use it casually, too- “I love ice cream,” for instance, but you can’t diminish the word itself. There’s so much weight to this word that when we say it to somebody for the first time in regards to how we feel about them, it changes everything. Those two people now become connected in a rare and uniquely wonderful way. All from one little word.

CONCLUDING WORDS

  As a blogger, and as a used-to-be aspiring screenwriter, I’m very aware of the power of words, or sometimes the very lack thereof. Words on a page, with nothing to really say, simply take up space. I once read a quote that said, “Good writing means never having to say ‘I guess you had to be there.’” There’s so much truth in that.
  I like descriptive language. I want the words to take me there. I admit, I tend to get a little flowery with my writing sometimes, but that’s just the way it comes out. I like vocabulary. I like discovering new ways to say things. I like to capture sight, sound, and emotion and communicate that to others. I think I still need to work on editing myself, though. I tend to ramble in the details. Like right now.


  “Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne